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GASLIGHTER

I skinned my knees, lost 10 pounds

Trying not to think about it.

My legs don’t carry what they used to 

And I don’t know how to feel about it.

And I’ve been dreaming he was holding me 

And writing songs about my body.

But now he’d feel my ribs

Under the lingerie that you bought me.

Have you no shame, Gaslighter, using my name?

Have you no shame, Gaslighter?


I DREAM THAT YOU DIE

If we don’t talk about it

Then everything will stay the same.

But I can’t lie to you, like you do to me

I’m entrenched and it’s calling my name

Saying I should cut ties

‘Cause I feel sick when I look at you

Only a matter of time until you want what I took from you

Well sometimes, I dream that you die

What kind of girl does that make me?

If you don’t talk about it

Then nothing else will change

I know it doesn’t come easily, but please don’t lie to me

You’re entrenched and it’s calling your name

Saying you should cut ties

‘Cause I feel sick when I look at you

Only a matter of time before you need what she kept from you.

Well sometimes, I dream that you die

What kind of girl does that make me?

If sometimes, I dream that you die

What kind of girl does that make me?

What kind of girl does that make me?


AVIATOR

Tell me what you’re seeing

In my hair and in my sheets

This can’t just be in my mind

I think I’m going blind

Tell me what you’re seeing

When I’m having trouble breathing

God I tried to ease your mind 

Ease your mind

I only touch you when we’re dressed

Every day you tolerate me less

I think it’s a sign. It’s a sign.

Oh but I’m so fucking anxious

So maybe we could do this another time

Can we do this another time

I need to ease my mind.

It’s gonna be slow, but I know it’s gonna be black in the end

I’m good at feeling the frets, but not as good as I could have been.

It’s gonna be slow, but I know it’s gonna be black in the end

I’m good at feeling the frets, but not as good as I could have been.

It’s gonna be slow, but I know it’s gonna be black by the end

And I can feel the fret; I’m not as good as I could have been.

It’s gonna be slow, but I know it’s gonna be black by the end

And I can feel the fret; I’m not as good as I could have been.


SALTINES

If there is a spiritual enemy 

Then he’s especially entranced by me

But I no longer feel the need to change his mind

Here in your bed we fight the cold  

From the moment I was born I was getting old

But I’m uncharacteristically bold when I’m short on time

I’m holding this in at the seams

You said “I don’t know what that means for me,

But I’ve been praying to the saltines you see,

And playing it out it my dreams, 

And I see our talking skin in the backseat” 

I didn’t say a word when you asked me

Honey what does it take to be happy

If you don’t have a god?

I’m making this up as I go

You said “I’m sorry, I didn’t know,

But I’ve been praying that you’d come home with me

And playing it out in my dreams,

And I see our blushing cheeks in a taxi.”

I didn’t know what to say when you asked me

Honey what does it mean if I’m happy

But I don’t have a god?

What does it mean if I’m happy when I don’t have a god?


FEVER DREAM

I fever dreamt that you called my mother

You told her I’m not well and she should try for another

Try for another

I don’t care for you, but I wish I did

And sometimes I see myself in the neighbor’s kid

In the neighbor’s kid.


MANTRA

I am not here for you.

I am not here.


SPLINTER

Heaven knows I love you

My own body tells me to

With chemicals and obligation 

Evolutionary inclination

Your hands were kind, your hands were violent,

You loved me hard, your love was silent

It’s bitter to me every winter

How wholly blinded you are by your splinter

Heaven knows I love you

My own body told me to

With it’s chemicals and obligation 

So I waited for you at the station

Softly sweetly strong and violent

You loved me hard, you loved me silent 

And though you may not need me to

I’ve forgiven you


SMALL FRAME

I failed you

And I failed me too

So I’m waiting

For a reason to blame you

But I blame me too

I’m waiting for a sign

But I keep growing older

My fathers getting smaller

And everybody tells me that we’re one in the same


What have you been watching?

What have they been telling you?

And what have you been doing with all of that shame? 

All of that shame


I failed you

But I failed me too

So I’m waiting

For a reason to blame you

But I blame me too

So I’m waiting for a sign

But I keep growing older

And I keep feeling smaller

And everybody tells me I should change my name

But I’m so tired of grieving

And pieces of me leaving

Everything’s too much for my small frame

For my small frame

For my small frame


PLANS

I’m slipping and I know I am, too

I keep tripping over somebody else’s shoes

You were drink to drink at two in the afternoon

And I was wishing you would leave me

Wishing you would leave me soon


I was wishing you would

Get out of my chest and out my blood

God knows I never killed nobody and I thought that’d be enough

But you’re a dirty whisper, you’re hot air in my ear

Telling me I should die young so I don’t have to watch my parents disappear 

I guess I should plan for it


I’m slipping and you know I am

You touch me ‘cause you know you can

You were drink to drink, from August until June

And I was wishing I was younger,

wishing I was young enough to find God in a cartoon


I was wishing you would

Get out of my chest and out my blood

 God knows I never killed nobody and I thought that’d be enough

But you’re still a dirty whisper, you’re still hot air in my ear

And I wish someone had told the child in me she’d one day disappear 

‘Cause I would have planned for it

I would have planned for it

I would have planned for it

You know, I would have ran from it

Ran from it

You know I would’ve ran, I would’ve ran

Oh, you know, I would have ran from it.


HAPPY HOUR

You were talking about how you never met your dad

I was nodding my head and saying that’s too bad

But I wasn’t listening to you

I was wondering if I could outrun you


She was talking about the worst sex she ever had

You were tossing ‘em back,

touching her hand,

saying that’s too bad

But she wasn’t listening to you

We were wondering

If she could outrun you

Or would she end up at your building?

If she could outrun you

Would she end up at your building?

If we could outrun you,

Would we end up at your building?


MORNING AFTER

You make me small when I’m asking for help

Because you like me more when I don’t love myself

You make me small when I’m asking for help

Because you like me more when I don’t love myself

But I do, I do, I do, I do

I do, I do, I do, I do

And if I could outrun you

Would I make it out the building?


BLAINE

How much longer 

How much longer till it ends 

I’m Terrified you'll answer with silence

and condemn my resilience

So I pray for the millionth time

How much longer

How much longer till I'm done?

It feels like Years 

since I've slept in the sun 

I'm a weathered 22

This was supposed to be fun

With nothing left to say, I'm out of words

and whiskey drunk.

How much further can I go?

How much further can I go?

That's shit you're supposed to know.

How much further can I go?

How much further can I go? 

How much further can I go? 

How much further 'til I'm home?

Looking for someone to blame

Unaware and unmade 

Stripped of my name

Foolishly afraid

Looking for something to blame

Exhausted and unpaid

Gullible and ashamed

Foolishly afraid

Foolishly afraid

Foolishly

How much further can I go?

How much further can I go?

That's shit you're supposed to know.

How much further can I go?


LAURELHURST

It didn’t start this way, did you know

I wasn’t always skin and bone

It didn’t start this way did you know

I was someone’s shadow, I was a ghost in gaseous form

and they conceived me, I was born, and I was glass

And they say, never has anything so lovely broken so fast

You keep making movies out of things I swore I never said

And I’ll keep promising I’ll come to bed soon

We are just a emblem of our former promises

words no one ever says anymore 

And I can’t remember what it was like before

Fingertips and alcohol and pulling back,

and making all of my friends think maybe I'm not worth the drive

Well maybe I‘m not worth the drive

and you’ll keep making movies out of things I swear I didn’t mean,

And someday all of this will seem irrelevant 

Fingertips and alcohol and pulling back,

and making all your friends think maybe you're not worth the drive

Well maybe I‘m not worth the drive

and you’ll keep making movies out of things I swear I didn’t mean,

And someday all of this will seem irrelevant 

It's irrelevant


OLDER BROTHER

You've been walking home again

I can tell by your jeans

There's mud on the hem again

But only I would know what that means

You've been calling home again

I can tell by your cheeks

pretty girl you were once a child with wider eyes

and you still don't know what you need

Say your prayers at night

Though you know they'll gather at the ceiling

You will be alright 

Someone walking by will see you kneeling 

and know you're trying

 

What do you know about him?

What does he think about at night

and tell himself in the morning

To make living feel alright?

Nothing like time and freeways

To make you lose sight

But even love on it's best day

is a fluorescent light

And you're gonna be alright


PIKE/PINE

I don’t remember what I forgot 

But I know i could find it if all my thoughts

Were spread beneath an amphitheater 

splayed out in some parking lot 

Oh I'm sick of waiting

I’ve been spending all my time

Daydreaming about what my mind 

Would look like painted on the pavement

Somewhere between pike and pine

Oh how I’m sick of waiting

But oh I’m ruminating again


THE LINE

I don't mean to curse unnecessarily

I just need someone to notice me

I just need someone to notice how I've changed

I haven't slept since September at best

And I'd take my own life if it meant some rest

but if I go I don't want to be the one you blame

So I won't do anything

I don't try to make you sick of seeing me  

I just find I hold a blade too easily

I just need someone to tell me I seem strange

And I haven't slept since I last heard His voice

But these days all I hear is my own damn noise 

And I know if I go, you’ll all forget my name  

So I won’t do anything 

No I won't do anything

No I don't do anything anymore


TIM

Make yourself comfortable

I’ll pour a drink

To make us more comfortable

Saying what we think

We’ll talk about how everyone’s a fraud 

And then you’ll go ahead and tell a joke about God 

And we’ll laugh

But we’ll both feel awful about that 

I know you haven’t been sleeping too well

You forget who you are when everyone else goes to bed

You think it’s probably true what they said 

About sin and it doing you in 

You and I never stood a chance

 

I wish someone had looked me in the eyes

And said my dear, adulthood is so falsely advertised

You’ll know less everyday and feel more than you thought you ever could

And even though you’ll fuck up all the time you’re still good 

You’re still good

You’re still good

I know you haven’t been doing too well

You forget you’re a light when everyone else makes you dim

I’ll make it up to you [Tim]


MEAD

I will follow you

If you promise me

You'll make me better next time

You'll make this soul so clean

That I will barely know it's scar,

unfelt, unseen

Unfelt, unseen

I will follow you

If you promise me

You'll make me better next time

You'll wash this soul so clean

That I will barely know it's scars,

unfelt, unseen

Unfelt, unseen

I would follow you

If you promise me

You'll break me better next time

You'll make this cut so clean

That I will barely know a scar,

unfelt, unseen

And I can stay here where you are

'Cause getting older is a bad dream

I would follow you

But you promised me

You'd make me better this time

You'd make me better and you'd make me clean

But I'm in the soil, in the pain

It's felt, it's seen

I wish I could stay the same

'Cause getting older is a bad dream

 

You've gotten pretty good at reflecting me

But I'm not too fond of what I see

So I write these words 'til my fingers bleed

Under fluorescent lights, you know they drown me

In my left hand is a glass of mead

I'll put it back, so far back behind my teeth

And I'll taste everything, everything, everything

So honey sweet

It's so honey sweet

To feel everything

I feel everything